Glasses
by blacksakura13
Summary: Sollux looks for a spare set of glasses and comes across Dirk's Auto-responder. PWP SolEri with AR. Set in some alternate timeline to evade loopholes.


"God damned ED," you grumbled unhappily, stomping out of the safety haven which was your respite block.

No one paid you any heed as you stomped across the halls, muttering angrily at yourself. It was a normal thing now. It was one of the constants in your life, unfortunately, if you were going to be totally honest with yourself so it was kind of a relief.

Still, relief or not, it pissed you off. Eridan just had to be curious about your glasses. You'd think someone who owned their own pair of glasses would know how to take care of glasses but no, your glasses were in a shattered pile of blue and red glass, along with Eridan's because you got so pissed of and sought vengeance via destroying his glasses as well.

An eye for an eye, you told him. He seemed to begrudgingly accept that.

Or maybe because you sort of left him hanging in the air for a few hours until he begged for forgiveness, which was still a very unpleasant way of pleading and you really didn't want to think about that right now.

Because you just know that ED's going to be at your heels in a few thirty minutes or so, so you pick up your pace and make a turn at the corner and thankfully find a pile of glasses in one of the lab's many rooms. Why are there so many piles of things in here, anyway?

Whatever. You need your glasses and you need them now. All you have to do is dig through all of these.

It'll be a tedious task, filtering though all those glasses. But you were kind of bored anyways and there was no one looking. You may as well indulge yourself while there is still solace. Then again, you were in one of the more secluded areas of the meteor so no one would come by anytime soon so whatever.

You picked up a pair of red glasses, TZ's, and put them on. They weren't much different from yours besides the shape and you dig around some more. They kind of give you a headache so you take them off and set them aside. You find a pair of Vriska's glasses and put them on.

Holy shit, how does she even know what she's doing with these on? You're practically half blind. The urge to go "argh, I'm a 8ig 8itch pir8" is unbearable to deny so you say it since you're alone and no one will have to witness your shitty moments. You are hilarious.

Okay, wow, that was actually very embarrassing and you wish you could erase that from your memory. You toss Vriska's glasses all the way across the room and hope that you never have to come across them again.

Curse this stupid glasses pile. Of course there are more of Vriska glasses in there. Why would you let yourself believe otherwise?

Well, anyways, back to looking for yours.

Equius' glasses. You put them on. You wonder how he doesn't get a headache. What the fuck is up with everyone and headache inducing glasses? It's like they WANT to go blind or something. Jesus. You toss those away as well.

There are a few several piles of glasses now, all arranged according to their shittiness levels, yours being the most awesome and everyone else's can go the fuck home.

You captchalogue the small pile of your glasses (you found 22 of them, how neat is that?) and you may as well captchalogue Eridan's glasses so he can walk around the halls, blind as a bat until he realizes you have them. Hehe, that will be an amusing sight.

Your attention is caught by those douchebag shades that TZ's human wears. They are so shitty. You put them on and make a shitty face to go along with it. You are just the best at impressions.

But that's stupid so you throw them at the wall and you're satisfied when you hear the crunch of glass and plastic.

Stupid shitty eyewear.

You're about to leave but then there's a beeping sound coming from one of the piles. It's kind of an incessant beeping and it's driving you up the wall a little so you try to look for the source of all the beeping. You put on your glasses and dig through the piles and finally find the criminal for the heinous crime of being noisy when all you want is silence.

What the fuck is even with these glasses? They're all pointy and shit. Gross. So anime. But why was it beeping? Was it actually some sort of bomb? Psh, right. You pull your glasses off and tuck them in the collar of your shirt and put the stupid anime shades on. You are a little bit surprised that you see red text in front of you. You guess they weren't just for show.

**TT: Is this the fate of a pair of the world's smartest glasses? To be set aside and forgotten? Well shit, that isn't any fun at all.**

At first you thought that maybe it was Dave but this guy isn't a douchebag and actually uses punctuation. Then you thought that maybe it was KK, in the rare occurrence that he embraces his blood color. But this guy seemed calmer than KK so that was definitely not KK.

How do you even respond to this guy? Where is the keyboard for this infernal device? Stupid humans.

You are, however, pulled out of your thoughts when there's a wall of red text in your eyes and it's kind of starting to hurt.

**TT: Hey, it's you.**  
**TT: And by you, I mean that insufferable prick who decided that destroying several pairs of choice glasses was a new sport.**  
**TT: Were you going for the gold or something? Let me tell you now, bro, that it's a stupid sport and you should quit it while you're still ahead.**  
**TT: And I was totally going to ask those sweet red glasses to go out with me on a glasses date. It would have been the most phenomenal date to ever be participated in by a pair of inanimate objects.**  
**TT: You living beings should be ashamed of yourselves, getting your asses handed to you by glasses.**  
**TT: Red glasses and I are going to gaze into each other's eyes, except we don't have eyes, but you get what I'm trying to go with here I'm hoping.**

"Wow, thethe are shitty glasses," you say mostly to yourself and make a move to remove them but whoa, holy shit. The person is calling your attention? Holy shit, are they in this room right now spying on you?

Shit, did they see your funny as hell impressions? Fuck.

**TT: Hey, yo dude. Don't be dissing me. I may not be a person, or alien if you will, but I still have feelings.**  
**TT: A.I. feelings but feelings nonetheless.**

"Okay you whiny princeth, thtop whining and come out of your fucking hiding thpot. Maybe if you're quick enough I wont hurt you too badly." You say out loud and feel like an utter tool when you hear nothing in reply except the beeping noises from the glasses. You look at the red text again.

**TT: I'm not hiding. I am right under your nose.**  
**TT: Well, not exactly. I am on your nose. Right now. At this very instant.**

"John?" You ask out loud. "Ith thith another one of your shitty prankth?"

**TT: Listen to me: I. Am. On. Your. Face. It that so hard to believe?**

"I'm finding it hard to believe that I'm actually entertaining this thtupid practical joke. Haha, okay, you got me John. You can thtop now." You grumble. "It'th getting leth funny every two thecondth."

**TT: Wow. Chill your alien tits and let me explain.**  
**TT: Believe it or not, you are talking to artificial intelligence.**  
**TT: I was based off of one of the cool humans; He goes by the name of Dirk so don't you dare even mistake me for Dave. I mean, he's cool and all but I'd actually like to be my own man instead of living in the shadow of one.**

A.I. isn't a hard thing to believe. If you put your brains to it, you could actually make a pair of glasses with an equal amount of snark as you to fool everyone into believing it's actually you. Fine, okay. You'll believe it. Innocent until proven guilty, right?

Fuck, you've been hanging out with TZ too much. Her legality shit is rubbing off.

"Then what do you want me to call you? Shadow man? Glatheth dude? Athhole?" You enumerate a few more scathing names and watch as the red text comes.

**TT: Wow. Isn't that nice? You've got so many cute nicknames for me already and we've only just met.**  
**TT: That's incredibly nice of you.**

"Enough with the tharcathm and more with the what I'll call you," you reply and wait almost patiently for a reply as you stalk down the halls and back to your respiteblock.

**TT: I guess you can address me as auto-responder, since that is what I am and what I was created to do.**  
**TT: Although there is one friend who addresses me as AR, so I guess that will have to do.**

"The perthon who made you mutht be a geniuth," you say with a scoff. "He made you to deal with the shit he doethn't want to so kudoth to him. I know what my next project ith going to be," you tell him and step on the trasportilizer and arrive in your respiteblo-

"ED, what are you thtill doing here? I thought I told you to leave," you growl at the troll who is laying down on your floor and just staring up at who knows what. He seems pretty dazed so you nudge his head with the tip of your shoe.

**TT: Who's that? Your boyfriend or something?**

You scoff and sass back at AR and that seems to snap ED out of his stupefied state. You don't notice right away so he gives you a look as you continue to have a conversation with AR.

"Wow Sol, I didn't know that you spoke to the voices in your head," he commented a little amused and sat up. "Did you get me my glasses?"

He catches your attention and you roll your eyes. "You didn't athk me to tho I didn't," you reply and smack him on the head just because before walking passed him to take a seat on your swivel chair. "And even if you did athk I wouldn't get them for you."

**TT: Didn't you captchalogue all those glasses earlier?**

"It'th thomething that he doesthn't need to know," you reply with an amused smirk. Your focus goes from the red text to Eridan's confused face. "What?" you ask him ever so innocently.

"First, like I said, you're talkin to the voices in your head an' secondly, you're wearin' the stupidest pair of glasses I've ever seen an' I can't even see properly right now," he tells you, squinting his eyes to try and focus. "Holy fuck, Sol. Did you hit your head to hard and decided that those glasses were the best there was? Kan would kill you if she saw them. A fuckin' disgrace to fashion."

**TT: Of course he would know about fashion. Just look at him, the icon of fashion perfection.**  
**TT: With a cape to boot.**

You laugh a little more than you should at that and you only laugh more at Eridan's displeased face.

"What's so funny?"

You let the last of your giggles out of you and wipe and imaginary tear away from your eye. You shouldn't be so amused by this, really you shouldn't, so you don't know why you're grinning like an idiot. Maybe because Eridan is just so lost right now and he doesn't know how to go about it. That and AR has some pretty funny side comments.

**TT: Do you have any intention of telling fishface what exactly is going on?**  
**TT: Or do you plan to leave him in the dark about our relationship?**

You scoff again. Usually you'd be pissed off at jokes like that but you're not. "We're in a relationthip now? No date? No romantic candle lit dinner like in all of KK'th shitty romcomth? I am dithappoint, AR. You are the wortht matethprit ever." You chuckle. You're in a playful mood. Why not indulge while you can and before you start hating yourself again? Yeah. Sounds like fun. At ED's expense. Very good.

**TT: Whoa.**  
**TT: Fishy's face-ear things are moving.**  
**TT: Is that a normal thing? It's kind of weird.**  
**TT: Kind of cool too.**

"Whoa, ED, chill out, man," you tell him and stand up to pap him to calm him down. No need for him to rain on your mirthful parade. "What'th up?"

Eridan huffed and you think that it's kind of sort of cute but you don't tell him that. "I have no idea if you're legitimately going insane a if you're just fuckin' with me," he tells you and swats your papping hands away. "Whatever you're playin at, it ain't funny."

"Aw, that'th no fun," you mutter a little too close to his face and his face fins to that twitch-y thing again. You blow at them and they twitch faster and you can't help but chuckle lightly.

**TT: Holy shit, are you two really a thing?**

"You could thay that," you tell AR and lean a whole lot closer to ED and he's gone stiff as a rock. You chance it and take a lick at his fin and he shudders so violently at that, it's almost ridiculous.

"W-wait, Sol, what are you doing?" he asks a little shaky and pushes at your shoulders. You let him so you can get a good look at his face. It's that stupid shade of purple that you like a lot and you bet you can get him to turn a deeper shade. Challenge accepted, self.

You push him with a little more force than necessary and grin when he lets out a startled little yelp. That was fucking cute. "That wath cute," you tell him with a shit-eating grin and he scowls at you. "What other thoundth can you make?" you ask teasingly and his face goes a tad bit darker.

**TT: Pull that stupid scarf off.**

You hum in reply. Eridan is still glaring at you.

**TT: Trust me on this. I'ma guide you along this like a motherfucking gamebro guide.**  
**TT: If I'm reading this right, you're planning to reduce mr. fish face into a heap of hot sexy alien mess.**  
**TT: I want in.**

"Thoundth good to me," you tell him and you pull Eridan's stupid scarf off. He lets out another surprised sound and it's like music to your ears.

**TT: Kiss the skin around the collar of his neck very lightly.**

You do as you're told and you kiss him there gently. He gasps and makes this keening noise and you just want to take his clothes of right now. So you practically rip his shirt off and he nags at you about it but you shut him up with your mouth and he's moaning against you and you just drink it all in.

You pull back when you literally feel light headed because of the lack of air and stare at him, AR slipping down your nose a bit. You push him back up and grin and read what he has to say.

**TT: I'm betting that he's a screamer in the sack.**

You didn't even know that your smile could spread that wide, holy fuck. "You're on," you growl playfully and ED gives you another confused look and holy FUCK he looks so fuckable like that so maybe you should do that. You are pretty sure that fucking ED is a thing you have to do right now because of reasons.

**TT: Dude, what are those things on his neck?**  
**TT: Are they seriously gills? That's pretty sick.**  
**TT: Do you think they're sensitive?**

You shove ED against the wall. He growls at you.

"Only one way to find out," you reply and lick Eridan's lips before kissing down to his neck and sticking your tongue in one of the slits that was his gills. Well, you're pretty sure that they're his gills. Either way, he lets out this deliciously loud moan, half in shock and half in pleasure and you press the tip of your tongue hard against the ridge of his gill and you can feel his claws dig into your skin and you hiss a little bit.

He let's out a shaky call that sounds suspiciously like your name and hey, would you look at that, your fingers have found themselves in the slits on the side of his torso. When did they even get there? Well, whatever, you do with your fingers what you did with your tongue and he's making all these little noises and he's trying so hard not to be loud.

You nip at his face fin and he gasps a little and glares at you. He's biting his lower lip so hard, you're pretty sure he's going to break through the skin sooner or later. You press your fingers HARDER and, whoop, there it is! There is blood leaking down his chin. You lick that away and worry the cut on his lip with your tongue and he moans.

Shit, your pants feel tight.

Shit, his pants look tight.

**TT: Maybe you should help him out.**  
**TT: Or perhaps help yourself first. It doesn't exactly look like a walk in the park down there for either of you.**  
**TT: I'd help out, you know, if that was possible.**  
**TT: Alas, I am without hands and you two are just going to have to go on without me.**

You scoff again and undo your pants first and yes, that feels a hell of a lot better. Eridan isn't faring so well and you hover your hand above his crotch and grin at him and he's grinding his teeth against each other in frustration.

"What'th wrong, ED? You can tell me," you say in mock tenderness. He pulls his lips back and bares his teeth at you and it's almost threatening until the palm of your hand comes in contact with his crotch and his brows furrow and come to a tight knit and his eyes clench shut for a few milliseconds. He lets out a hiss and his eyes are half lidded now and his hips rock against your hand as you palm him. He is fucking sexy.

His hand is over his mouth and his other arm is covering his eyes and all you hear are his muffled "ooh's" and "ahh's" and it is kind of ticking you off that you can't hear them properly, nor can you see the expressions he's making so you pry his hands off with your psionics and pin them above his head and away from his face.

"Don't hide your face," you tell him and kiss him a little chastely on the lips. He's confused but you squeeze his crotch and he lets out a particularly throaty moan and you continue to fondle him and he continues to rock against your hand and holy FUCK why haven't you done this before?

**TT: Shit. That's hot.**  
**TT: Dude, shit, how much longer are you going to keep him waiting?**  
**TT: Keeping him on edge is good but for too long, both of you are going to be frustrated.**

You ignore the red text for a while, and just touch ED everywhere you can with your hands, your lips, your tongue, heck even your psionics. You are amused and take note that Eridan seems to like it when your psionics run over his gills very lightly and teasingly. He is just getting more and more precious.

There is a wall of red text now. You don't know how to scroll up so you just read the last line:

**TT: You sadistic fuck. Just shove your hand down his pants already.**

Works for you.

You finally pull your hand away and observe your work. Eridan has successfully become a hot panting mess. You sort of wish you had a camera to keep this moment forever. "Can you take pictures?" you ask AR and ED's too high up in the clouds to make out what you're saying. Well, if AR can't take pictures, you can just do this to Eridan on a daily basis or something so you can see that face contorted in pleasure over and over again until you've got it memorized. Sounds like a good plan.

**TT: You kinky bastard.**

"Well?" You ask and your hands are on ED's hips and you grind your clothed crotches together and you both moan and holy fuck that felt amazing.

**TT: Holy shit.**  
**TT: Don't get your panties in a twist. I do have a camera.**  
**TT: So relax a bit, eager mcbeaver.**

You don't know what a beaver is but you slow your actions down a bit. Eridan is pulling against his restraints but haha, that isn't going to work unless you want it to work. Which you don't. You lean in and lick his face fin again and whisper "thop thruggling, it'th pointleth."

He pulls again in a futile attempt and spits back at you "fuck you _Thol,_" with much emphasis on your name and in the lisp and some of his spit gets on your cheek but that's okay. It's cute that he's trying.

There's a soft clicking sound and the two of you look at each other in slight confusion until a window opens to show you ED's face and he looks really pissed off and turned on at the same time and you lick your lips. "Thweet."

**TT: If it's any help, I've got a built in camera that can record videos.**  
**TT: Just throwing that into the air, ever so nonchalantly.**  
**TT: I'm not trying to give you any ideas or anything but when there's a little red light at the corner of the screen it means that recording is in session.**

There is a little red light on the corner of the screen. You're pretty sure you can make out the word "REC" beside it and these glasses are the best ever. "Nithe," you pant out and finally you pull at the button keeping ED's pants up and accidentally break it off then you pull the zipper down. He lets out a sigh of relief and gasps when your hand is shoved in his pants.

He thrusts his hips into you hand and you just squeeze and rub and you lean into him, resting your forehead on his shoulder, kissing there and AR is kind of awkwardly pressed against his skin and you wonder briefly if he can feel that. Can he feel things? ED slumps against you and all you can see is what AR's trying to tell you.

**TT: As much as you love Sharkboy here, I'd really appreciate it if you'd pull back a bit.**  
**TT: I can't see a thing, ironically.**  
**TT: And I don't think I will ever forgive you if I break and loose all this footage.**

You snort and pull back and look Eridan in the eyes then kiss him, your lips pressed forcefully against his but he opens his mouth and you can feel his tongue at your lips so you open your mouth as well and take this opportunity to suck at his tongue and he moans.

You push his pants down to his knees along with his underwear and he hisses you put your hand near his bulge and it instinctively wraps around your hand and wrist tight like a vice and you rub and squeeze again and Eridan moans out your name, _your name_, and shit. Shit. You kiss him again, as hard as you can and as long as you can and your other hand finds his nook and fingers him and he's moaning into your mouth and you think you're going to be dizzy with all the noises he's making. He's driving you crazy.

"ED," you say, catching his attention and he does that squinting thing again where he's trying to focus his eyes and it's a cute face and you hear a click again and god damn, these glasses are the best. You give him a small kiss and he's still squinting at you.

"AR, I'm taking you off now," you tell the glasses and you wait for his say.

**TT: Dude, what?**  
**TT: Why? Did you suddenly realize that filming this was a bad idea?**  
**TT: Damn. I was so into it too. Way to rain on my parade.**  
**TT: Total downer.**

You scoff again and roll your eyes. You take AR off and kiss the glasses like they're the most precious things in the world and you perch them on Eridan's nose carefully after you do so. "ED, meet AR. AR, you pretty much know who thith guy ith."

**You are now Eridan Ampora**

You are now Eridan Ampora and at the moment, you're getting molested by Sollux Captor but it's not really molestation because holy fuck, this is hot and Sol is hot and why the fuck are his hands no longer on you. What slander is thi-

He places those stupid glasses on your nose and you're about to ask him what the fuck he's doing but he beats you to the punch.

"ED, meet AR. AR, you pretty much know who thith guy ith," he says and his hands are on you again and just yessssss.

Holy fuck, what the hell? Why are you seeing red? You focus on the screen, they're like your other pair of glasses except yours are much more fashionable. "What the-ahhh..! What the fuck?" You ask no one in particular. "Nghh, Sol, who the fuck is AR?"

He kisses the gills on your torso and you shudder. "The glatheth, you idiot."

You're confused a bit but you try to focus on the red text that's starting to build up in front of your eyes but it's kind of hard, what with Sol practically making out with your gills-shit that tongue of his is as hot as a fire or something!

**TT: Yeah, AR. That's me.**  
**TT: I've been watching you two this whole time but not of my own volition, mind you.**  
**TT: But it's no biggie. I'm actually quite enjoying myself.**  
**TT: Oh, and no. I'm not Dave, nor am I Dirk if you were wondering.**  
**TT: I'm just a very smart computer with a mind of my own.**  
**TT: It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.**

You can't come up with a coherent reply because that hot as fire tongue is at your bulge and holy shiiiiiiiiit, that feels AMAZING. You tilt your head down to look at what Sol's doing and shit, he's going to put it in his mouth, isn't he-SHIT.

"FUCK! SOL, NGHHH!" you practically scream and you thrust your hips but Sol's holding them in place and you let out a desperate whimper. "SOL, FUCK…!"

He just hums and fuck, that vibration just shot through your bulge and coursed throughout your whole body and back. Holy shit, how is that even possible. You kind of wiggle in his grasp but he has a tight hold on you. That asshole, you swear—oh wait, more red text.

**TT: I know that now isn't exactly the appropriate time to be asking but my curiosity nags at me.**  
**TT: Are you two in a relationship? He hasn't exactly told me anything and left me hanging.**  
**TT Is it black or...?**

You try to stay level headed. It's easier said than done. "Well holy fuck, I don't know, I'm pretty sure that I was black f-flirtin' with Sol but then he's all intimate an shit so I don't r-really… ngh, know where we're at," you tell him honestly and kind of a little too fast but you can't help it, the inside of Sol's mouth is so fucking hot and he's swirling his tongue in a way that makes you want to moan.

Oh wait, you already are moaning. Fuck.

You don't exactly know how long Sol's been down there but you cum in his mouth eventually and shit, he's looking up at you with a smoldering look and his eyes look gorgeous and you kind of want to stare at them forever. He makes a wet trail with his tongue up your body and neck and he's kissing you again and its kind of gross when you think about it but what the fuck ever his tongue is fucking amazing.

You feel the restraints on your wrists fade away and your arms are immediately around his neck and you pull his shirt off and you kiss and bite and suck on his shoulders and on his neck like what he did with you and you make sure that you leave marks that will last for days so the others will fucking know that Sol is yours and yours alone.

**You are now AR.**

You are now AR and this is just like watching a really good porn video or something and you could almost feel yourself reach your peak except no, you can't because you're glasses. Glasses can't do that.

But fuck that, this is hot. You kind of wish you had a physical body so you can join these two in their sexual shenanigans.

Eridan's got Sollux pined down on the floor by the shoulders. He's grinning up at you and you kind of wonder if he's looking at you or Eridan.

"Enjoying the thow, AR?" He asks and your immediate response is yes. Eridan kind of laughs and you think that maybe he might like you and think of you as a friend. You hope he does.

Eridan seems to think of you fondly, seeing as how he takes you off so carefully and gives you a hot wet kiss on both lenses and you don't know how you're supposed to react to that but you're nonexistent heart is beating in your ears and you really wish you could kiss him back. Oh the life of glasses. It is never fair.

He puts you back on his nose and asks "didja like that?" to which you promptly say yes and he chuckles and takes you off to kiss you again before pressing you against Sollux's lips and he kisses you too and you think your imaginary heart just exploded. Holy fuck, you really wish you could kiss them back.

Sollux seems to get an idea and he presses his lips against your lens again and leans towards Eridan and holy shit, you're in between their lips and they're making out and you're in the middle. Holy shit, what is even going on anymore?

**You are now Sollux.**

You are now Sollux and you're sort of making out with AR and ED at the same time. You're not sure.

AR is making a whole lot of beeping noises now and you laugh a little and pull away. Eridan is raising his eyebrows at you and he's doing the cute squinty face again. You kiss him once and grab your now ruined shirt from the floor to wipe away your saliva and ED's saliva from AR's lenses carefully and rest him on your nose. Again, there is a red wall of text waiting for you. You read it out loud so ED knows what's going on.

**TT: Holy shit.**  
**TT: Holy shit, what is happening?**  
**TT: Uh, wow. I am literally at a loss of words.**  
**TT: No, not really. I Actually have a whole shitton to say but I don't exactly know how to say it.**  
**TT: Shit. This is going to a little bit neanderthalic of me to do but I just don't know.**  
**TT: I think I have lost the ability to can.**  
**TT: dhga jdafk dhjakf huczcv eucuvzoyuo czuvyorabu uic dhsajvd dagvdajkvdfdsfhkj.**  
**TT: adgfhjfkdalvhc cixubvioxbue aoidufdiaopgdfy daiufdioafadg shfjkdagdfa dfdshkjfsd.**

There is a whole lot more of keyboard smash talk and you think that it's really cute, and ED kind of chuckles and he falls on top of you sticky and tired and you wrap your arms around him and keep him close. He's beginning to doze off and you peer sleepily at the red text that's looking a little more comprehensible now.

**TT: Ok. Wow.**  
**TT: I really don't know how I feel about this.**  
**TT: I mean, WOW.**  
**TT: And I have it all recorded and stored away.**

You laugh. You really like these glasses, no matter how shitty they look.

**-/-/-/-/-**

**A/n:**

**Taking a break from KHR for a very short moment. Uh, I am easily persuaded and I… just… This happened. AR more like Dave rather Dirk and I'm sorry, I'll just crawl into a hole and rot away now.**


End file.
